verbal vomit

im feeling a whole myraid of emotions right now and i cant say its on the positive scale.


theres this chilling and airy feeling in my body
the invisible hole is causing me coldness and emptiness that seems to scale the russian winter
like acid on bright metal
burning through
but not the passionate warm fire
its cold

it consists of pent up frustration, jealousy, angst, irritation, anger, vex

i have been reading too much about homosexuals and their grand love rendezvous.


is it really true that everyone has someone to love? (whether to give or receive)

i feel really sad cuz i have no clue at all.

i find it really sad and hisheartening. when will my wait end?



its painful to consider all the possible routes that one can take only to realise that u are doubly, triply and infinitely marginalised and rejected.

who to love? who loves you?

romantic love aside, all i need is a little shower of concern and care and that i am loved.

like it or not, i can feel whether u are genuinely nice or fake(ingly) nice to me. and i really hate it when ppl TRY to be nice. it disgusts me. i feel like spitting on your face when you do so.


having said that, mayb sometimes i deserve to be spat on too.

the hospital has made me cynical.( or mayb that was a breastplate of consiousness)( my defence mechanism at work)( i dont know and im disgusted at myself for being able to laught at them) (who knows one day i might be the one lying there and this fat,ugly girl with inverted specs start slaughing like a siao char boh)(ah the power of parenthesis)



haha1:
crazy guy being tied up.

nurse: do you know where u are?
guy: i'm in japan
nurse: ok in japan. u want me to feed u?(refer to 3 sentence up)
...duh...i wish i was crazy like u



haha2:
uncle with whole body filled with tattoo
os: wahseh, so cool, but so sad, no one visit u, chao ah beng

haha3:

i outta be slapped for this.

old frail uncle kept whizzing and coughing. each cough sounded like it was going to be his last.
os: walao so noisy, poor thing no one visit u also. haiz



haha4:

dimentia uncle that is very unsatisfied with cgh and wants to transfer to sgh.
him: nurse nurse, i cannot see.
nurse: put on your glasses uncle( with the distinct phillipino accent) mom told me philipinos are more patient and caring( which reminds me of aunty r(d0e) rae mee who took care of me-nice) (phillipinos in windsor)
him: (after complaining about all the facilities and lack of it) What ( kind of ) hospitial is this?!
nurse: (flatly and indignantly)changi general hospital

him: nurse... Nurse... NURSE
nurs: yes uncle, how can i help u?
him: rubbing his stomach,.. my kidney...

him: nurse nurse
nures: yes uncle?
him: my heart.....

*



i wish i had someone to tell all these to.

i wish you would listen.

i wish i nv had to think so hard of who to reach out for

just to give myself a blank list

after going through all, i would consider

you, you, you and you will be busy

i wish i nv had to write all these into a cold hard machine

i wish i nv had to say

i wish you would ask

would understand


*
but it never happened.